10 Ways to Drive Like an Asshole

I’m going to take a moment here to get out some ranting that is not book related. If this doesn’t appeal to you, feel free to run away now.

Since moving to a fairly rural area, I’ve had a much longer commute than I am accustomed to driving on my way to and from work. This has given me an opportunity to observe quite a bit on the road. Now, I will never claim to be the best driver, but I do try to be a considerate one. This often makes my commute much slower. We all know that douchebaggery rules the road. If you want to make it to work on time, here are some tips for driving like an asshole.

  1. Weave in and out of lanes as often as possible. You will get to the front of the line at the next red light. And you sound cool making all those vroom vroom noises. So hurry up and wait a while.
  2. Run through red lights and ignore no turn on red signs. People will naturally assume that you are red-green colorblind, not a major jerkoff, and gladly let you go on your merry way.
  3. Don’t pull to the side of the road when police cars or ambulances are speeding past you with their sirens blaring. It couldn’t be that big of an emergency. After all, you’re okay, aren’t you?
  4. Don’t let people in front of you, even though you know that they have to get over into that lane because of road work or an accident. Certainly your time is more important and they can wait until somebody who is less of a shithead comes along. Surely that won’t take long. Alternatively, when you know that you have to get into the other lane because a two-lane road is merging into one lane, just keep going. Some nice person will let you in at the last minute, and you will jump to your rightful position at the front of the line. Who cares if this slows down the overall speed of traffic considerably? You won’t be around to see it because you’ll already be zipping along to your final destination.
  5. Carry a lot of stuff in your trunk, especially if you drive a truck, and leave it unsecured. If it falls out, no biggy. It will only slow down your competition as they are forced to swerve around it.
  6. Play your music really, really loudly with your windows open. If the car doesn’t shake, it’s not loud enough. While you rock out to your mobile dance party, other drivers will forget about where they were going and either run in fear of the sonic boom or go off in pursuit of an open club.
  7. Don’t use turn signals. It’s not important that anyone else know where you’re going. After all, you are the King/Queen of the road, and surely the rest of your royal subjects will get out of the way and clear a path for you.
  8. Run over pedestrians and small, fuzzy animals. Transportation is all about survival of the fittest. You don’t need to stop or slow down for anything. Crosswalks and cuteness be damned!
  9. Honk at people often. Superhuman that you are, it is your duty to inform others if they haven’t moved .00000005 seconds after the light changed. You have important places to be. Don’t let anyone stop you.
  10. Stick your car’s nose up other cars’ asses. Tailgating is like car sex; it must feel good because people seem to do it so frequently. Also, this will send the message that you want to go faster, and the driver in front of you will naturally speed up, risking life and limb, to accommodate your wishes. Or you’ll rear end them, but it couldn’t possibly be your fault if they weren’t going fast enough.

Please continue to share some of your own tips in the comments. I’ll gladly take them into consideration next time I’m running late.


13 Responses to "10 Ways to Drive Like an Asshole"

  • Or how about pass a line of cars when there are two lanes of traffic… then drive as slow as the lead car and stay next to it so no one else can pass.

    1 Amy said this (October 5, 2010 at 9:57 AM)

  • Thank you Amy! That is an excellent tip.

    2 Melanie said this (October 5, 2010 at 10:06 AM)

  • You have been the best observer of my rants and raves! I commend you on your astuteness and on this particular blog. Thank you for giving me the best ever morning chuckle.

    3 Judy said this (October 5, 2010 at 10:08 AM)

  • Welcome to upstate NY driving. I about have an aneurysm every single time I drive. It’s also the reason I listen to audiobooks in the car, so I don’t have a heart attack while driving.

    Here’s another one, when you are about to pull out, wait until someone is coming down the road at a nice clip and just pull out in front of them. They have great brakes, and will stop so you can go at 40 mph in the 55 mph, after all you pulled out ahead of them and get your way when it comes to speed limit.

    4 April (Books&Wine) said this (October 5, 2010 at 10:25 AM)

  • I thought that leaving LA would make driving less stressful, but living in a town full of one-way streets, single lane roads, and lots and lots of hills has ensured that is not the case.

    Have never really tried audiobooks before, but perhaps this will be a compelling reason to start listening to them.

    5 Melanie said this (October 5, 2010 at 10:29 AM)

  • Even though these are hilarious, they are sadly also so very true. I gave up on driving/parking in Chicago because there are so many dumbasses driving that I thought I would have a heart attack every time I got behind the wheel.

    One of my favorites is when a car is turning left and doesn’t even pretend to look to see if pedestrians are in the crosswalk. I don’t know how many people (including myself) have almost been hit just trying to cross the street.

    6 Tara said this (October 5, 2010 at 10:38 AM)

  • Wow. I wanted to add some, but you really covered it. I apparently make other drivers out of their minds by doing the speed limit. I seem to be the only one on the planet. But I stay out of the fast lane, and on two-lane highways I’m super-vigilant about turning out or pulling over so others can pass me. But I really get tired of people driving up my tailpipe. No, you can’t pressure me, so give it up.

    By the way, is it really so hard to raise your right hand briefly to thank me for going to great lengths to preserve your right to speed?

    Here’s my pet peeve. Big rigs that want to pass other big rigs, because they want to go up a hill at 20 miles under the speed limit, not 40 miles under. So they throw themselves quickly into the left lane and box up both lanes of traffic for half a mile or more. As someone who is careful to be respectful of faster drivers, that bugs me.

    7 Catherine Hyde said this (October 5, 2010 at 12:27 PM)

  • After doing several cross-country drives, I am VERY familiar with the big rig passing problem. Definitely a huge pet peeve of mine, as well!

    8 Melanie said this (October 5, 2010 at 12:34 PM)

  • And don’t forget driving down the turn lane to get ahead!!

    Brandi from Blkosiner’s Book Blog

    9 brandileigh2003 said this (October 5, 2010 at 1:02 PM)

  • HAHA! So funny and so sadly true.

    That is exactly why I hate driving, especially on the highway. Bad drivers seem to think that normal driving rules & etiquette don’t apply to highway travel. And then there are the teenage/college guys that think they’re frakking stunt men reenacting a live action chase/race sequence. Plus, the morons who try to change lanes 2-3 at a time without even a 2nd glance over their shoulder to make sure they’re not cutting someone off or on the verge of sideswiping another car.

    10 Marg K. said this (October 5, 2010 at 1:38 PM)

  • Yes! I love this post! It seems like the streets are just full of assholes nowadays. I’m pretty sure the majority are driving around without a license.

    11 Vasilly said this (October 7, 2010 at 11:32 AM)

  • Get a bumper sticker that says “Welcome to ! Don’t worry, we hate you too!”

    12 Derek J said this (October 14, 2012 at 2:11 PM)

  • please keep posting those great articles

    13 バッグ プラダ said this (March 21, 2013 at 11:24 PM)